Jared and I have been talking a lot about his deployment. Only a month and a half until he leaves. Even though I'm not looking forward to it I'm starting to finally accept that it is coming, and it isn't going to change. All I can do is pray and ask God to watch over him while he is gone. Don't get me wrong, it does scare the living shit out of me thinking that he will be so far away in a country where a lot of people want him dead for no reason. I wont be able to protect him which is making it very hard. But I do know that he isn't an idiot. He knows this isn't going to be some kind of fun vacation. He will be on his guard and he will try to be as safe as possible. I've been going through websites looking for neat ideas for care packages that I can send him. I'm so glad that people have taken their time to put these things on the web. It makes it so easy for wives like me, going through the first deployment, to get ideas of what to send them.
On another note, today I am actually feeling pretty good about myself. I haven't been thinking much lately about how shitty of a wife that I truly am. I just keep thinking that if we had our own house that I could be the wife I want to be. The house wife Jared wants. But this not being our home, I can't do the things I want to do. I know Jared loves me and thinks the world of me.. it's just taking some time to feel the same way about myself. My life has done a complete turn around from 9 months ago. It's been a very hard road but it's finally better.
Sometimes I feel like it's a dream. That I'm going to wake up and still be stuck in the same situation I was in. With a person that beats me up all the time.
The main thing I think about, when I think about my ex, is the times he would hit me. I don't remember "good times". Our whole relationship was about him, and if for some reason the spotlight wasn't on him, he would get very angry and take it out on me.
I'm trying to make myself remember those times. Remember everything that happened. That way I can truly get over it and be free of it. and I don't mean that I want to be with him or anything of that nature. Oh God no. But what people don't understand is that it takes a person a very long time to get over abuse. Unfortunately, I'm trying to get over 7 years of it. The main thing I need to get "over" is to stop beating myself up for staying with him. For not pulling myself out of the situation. I can't help that I didn't. It happened. I just need to move on.
Jared and I were talking about it one day. He asked, " Your family are very good people. They love you and would do anything for you. Why didn't they step in?" I had to explain to him that they did. Several times, but when someone doesn't want help, you can't help them. I tried to do it on my own because I felt like I would be a burden on them if I had asked for help. I can't blame them. It was my fault for not letting them in as many times as they tried. One thing is for sure, they didn't give up on me. That's more than I could have ever asked for.
My relationship with Jared is 10x better than it was in the beginning. I'm starting a long road to loving myself. Jared knows and understands that. With knowing what I've been through and what I'm trying to achieve, he's by my side no matter what and has given me his support through all my crazy ups and downs. Without him in my life I don't know what I'd do. He truly is a blessing. A complete angel in disguise.
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