It has been so long since the last time I wrote. Too many things have been going on with Jared's deployment coming up and me starting school.
Today was the first day of classes! It went great! I felt really good being there after my 3 and a half year break! The math teacher is a nice guy. He goes through the problems at a good pace and doesn't mind helping or tutoring. He even gave us his email and cell phone number if we needed any help. It's extremely different from High School. Of course, homework was assigned on the first day! But it isn't due until next Monday. The school got the math book in 2 days before school started so he is giving us a week to get it and get our homework in. Which is very nice of him because that book is $84!! Tomorrow I start my College Success class and Reading. I am very excited to start!
On the other hand...
I am thankful I've had a couple of good days this week because the others have been very hard. Friday I had Jared's surprise going away party. His little sister and older brother came along with his cousin that he hasn't seen in 15 years. Also we had a bunch of our family and close friends stop by to join in on his last get together until he gets back.
I have been very stressed and very emotional the past 3 weeks. 10 more days until he leaves. I feel like it's coming way too fast. The time has flown by and I feel like we haven't had enough time to be together. I feel this sickness in my stomach that I can't get rid of. Every time I think of him leaving I tear up.. I can't help it. Not only will I not be able to see him for 8 months.. I wont be able to protect him. I wont be able to make sure he is doing okay. I wont be able to sit and look him in the eyes as he tells me about his day. I wont be able to feel his touch against my skin. The one thing I've ever wanted most in the world is leaving.. The only one that cares about me for who I am.
I'm trying so hard to stay strong.. I'm trying everything to pull from deep within to keep it together in front of him. Even though I want to scream and cry I can't do it in front of him. I don't want him to worry about me more than he already will. I want him to believe that I'm going to be okay without him. Even though I know I wont be.. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself too. I now understand and have a better appreciation for those who have to go through deployments. This is the scariest thing I've ever been through. Out of all the times I've been hit, pushed, choked, smacked or had my life threatened by someone I thought cared about me.. All of that put together has nothing on what I feel now. I don't know how to handle it. I don't know what to do.
All I want is for him to come home safe. I pray to God every night as I'm holding him.. I pray that he just watches over him, that he brings him home to me. I don't know what I would do if something happened to him. I can't loose him. Not after what I've been through. I couldn't take something happening to him. He's everything I've ever dreamed of. He's the man I fell in love with in my dreams.. at the time I just didn't know his name.
I know my family loves me and cares about me. And I know they will do everything they can to make me feel better. But a lot of them haven't gone through this before. Some of them won't understand. Even though I appreciate them and everything they will do for me, I just feel like nothing will make it better. Everyone says to stay busy and keep my mind occupied during the day. Well what about the nights alone. What about sleeping in our bed by myself. What do I do when all I am doing is worrying about him wondering if he is OK, wondering if he is staying strong when I'm breaking down. I feel sorry for my family to even have to put up with me. I don't even want to let them know how I'm feeling. I just want to cry. I want to cry until I can't cry anymore..
I feel so emotional and he hasn't even left yet.. How am I going to be when he is actually gone? I'm trying so hard to stay strong. But it just doesn't seem to be working very well....
