My past sneaking into my future

  Sometimes I get like I am right now. Hating myself for no reason. Up until 8 months ago I left my ex boyfriend. He was a very abusive person physically and mentally. I thank God that I have my husband now and I love him with all my heart. Even though he makes me feel so loved and appreciated everyday.. sometimes.. I get lost in my mind. And it brings me back to where I was a while ago. Thinking that I was a mistake. That I never did anything right. I sometimes wonder, as I am now, if I really am good for Jared. Maybe I am the piece of shit my ex always told me I was. Do I really want to put Jared through that?

  I hide my emotions as well as any normal person can. The only thing is, I'm not normal. I've been through hell and back. Broken if you will. Jared has done so much for me that he doesn't even know about. Because of him I am who I am today. Even though this is true.. I still feel sometimes as if I am nothing. When you are told you are something for a number of years you begin to believe it. I did, for a long time. I am only now beginning to realize I'm not a bad person thanks to my husband and my family. What do I do to get myself from feeling the things I am feeling? Maybe it's just going to take some time.

 I was watching t.v. not long ago. Starring at the screen but my mind was focused on other things. I began thinking about how Jared has worked all day. About his busy schedule with working his two jobs starting at 8am to 11pm the next few days. and then I began to think... what do I do everyday? Nothing. I don't have a job. I don't go to school. I just sit. watch t.v. all day or talk to friends on the phone or computer. What is wrong with me. He is striving to do his best and I can't even do a load of laundry? I'm pathetic. I am not being a good wife at all. Is this how it's going to be years from now? Is he going to get sick of me like all of my friends and family have in the past?

  I hate how I think sometimes.. most of the time.. I put myself down too much. If I was such a big piece of shit like I was told, then I don't believe Jared would have married me. It's times like these that I wish I could go to therapy. Talk to a professional to make sure I'm not crazy. But for now I will just have to get it out this way. I feel sorry for whomever stumbles upon this. <3

Worries

Today has been a good day. Jared and I slept in pretty late which I love to do. We got up and had lunch together and then I took him to work. Even though I have been so happy the past few weeks the last two I have been pretty worried. We have been trying consistently to conceive since Feb. and haven't had any luck so far. My period is two weeks late with 3 negative urine tests and last Friday I had a negative blood test. I wonder if I am pregnant and I have miscalculated my cycle or if something is wrong with me. I wouldn't doubt if I am not able to get pregnant or if it's just gonna be harder for me than normal women. It's just very discouraging trying for 4 months and not having any luck. I just pray that nothing is seriously wrong and that I'm just late because of stress or something. Now I'm off to take a nap hopefully I will have more energy by the time I wake up.

First Blog!

Well here it goes. This is my first blog. It will be completely about me and the life I live. It will be full of my past, present and hopes of the future. I will have bad days and good days ( hopefully more good). I am excited to tell my story and follow others and learn theirs. I believe everyone's story has a lesson to offer. I can't wait to get this started!