Sometimes I get like I am right now. Hating myself for no reason. Up until 8 months ago I left my ex boyfriend. He was a very abusive person physically and mentally. I thank God that I have my husband now and I love him with all my heart. Even though he makes me feel so loved and appreciated everyday.. sometimes.. I get lost in my mind. And it brings me back to where I was a while ago. Thinking that I was a mistake. That I never did anything right. I sometimes wonder, as I am now, if I really am good for Jared. Maybe I am the piece of shit my ex always told me I was. Do I really want to put Jared through that?
I hide my emotions as well as any normal person can. The only thing is, I'm not normal. I've been through hell and back. Broken if you will. Jared has done so much for me that he doesn't even know about. Because of him I am who I am today. Even though this is true.. I still feel sometimes as if I am nothing. When you are told you are something for a number of years you begin to believe it. I did, for a long time. I am only now beginning to realize I'm not a bad person thanks to my husband and my family. What do I do to get myself from feeling the things I am feeling? Maybe it's just going to take some time.
I was watching t.v. not long ago. Starring at the screen but my mind was focused on other things. I began thinking about how Jared has worked all day. About his busy schedule with working his two jobs starting at 8am to 11pm the next few days. and then I began to think... what do I do everyday? Nothing. I don't have a job. I don't go to school. I just sit. watch t.v. all day or talk to friends on the phone or computer. What is wrong with me. He is striving to do his best and I can't even do a load of laundry? I'm pathetic. I am not being a good wife at all. Is this how it's going to be years from now? Is he going to get sick of me like all of my friends and family have in the past?
I hate how I think sometimes.. most of the time.. I put myself down too much. If I was such a big piece of shit like I was told, then I don't believe Jared would have married me. It's times like these that I wish I could go to therapy. Talk to a professional to make sure I'm not crazy. But for now I will just have to get it out this way. I feel sorry for whomever stumbles upon this. <3
There are free sources of therapy for military :) I have gone to therapy about your age actually and it helped me IMMENSELY!! Be the best wife you can be, even that means not working, it doesn't mean you're not contributing... and again, try to begin forgiving yourself, you're HUMAN, we ALL make 'mistakes' which are really just learning tools... and what your Ex did or said is only a reflection on his own misery, not a reflection on the soul inside of you and who you are. xo
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