Anxious and Nervous

  It has finally come to that time.. The day before tomorrow. I have been so anxious and nervous on what tomorrow's urology appointment for Jared will bring. Good news? Bad news? Is there going to be something we can do to fix this issue. What caused this to even happen in the first place? 

  All of these questions going around my head is making me dizzy.

   The only thing holding me back from getting pregnant is what is wrong with Jared's sperm. His Semen Analysis results just continue to get worse. The morphology now is 100% abnormal, 54.5% are non motile, 21.5% non progressive. 

What are we going to do?

   We are hoping to get some answers. What kind of answers we will get is what I'm afraid of. What if they say that there is nothing he can do to repair the damage that has been done? All I have wanted these past two years is to give my husband a child. It breaks my heart that I can not do the one thing a woman is made to do. I know he feels the same way though. It's hurting him to not be able to give me what I want as well. The only thing we ARE NOT doing is blaming each other. In the TTC world, placing blame on one another is the absolute worst thing you can do. 

   Jared and I have one of the strongest relationships that I have ever seen. Thankfully, it just happens to be the relationship I am apart of. If not being able to give each other a child is the worst thing in our relationship, then I'll take it. I already have the perfect man, the perfect marriage.. If having a child isn't in the cards for us then that's okay. I am already so blessed. 

..Anyway, enough rambling..

 Well Jared will be home soon... The sooner the better. That way we can shower and TRY to get some sleep. Please keep us in your prayers. I will update everyone once we find something out..

 Good night world

Love Always,

Anna       

In a rut

   ...Today has been a long day...

Let me start from the beginning

   I had to be to work at 7:00am... YES seven in the morning... The day started off okay but I was seriously drained from the night before. Even though I'm extremely exhausted the next day when I stay up the night before with Jared, it is completely worth it. He is still in search for a deployment soon so that we can pay our bills off. Every moment with my incredible husband is a moment that I try to take advantage of. 

   I got to work this morning and could not in any way shape or form get into it. Being a groomer is a fun job that I seriously love but of course, I was the guinea pig for a new cleaning schedule this morning. Our salon manager marked off my 7-9 spots so that I didn't have any dogs to groom so that I could deep clean the bathing bunker and kennels. Oh joy what a wonderful morning.  So for all of 3 hours until my next dog came in I spent on my hands and knees, sweating my ass off cleaning. As I was scrubbing the walls behind the kennels with a long brush I ended up harpooning myself in the leg with the end of the brush stick, or broom stick if you will. So now I have a lovely bruise on my thigh that hurts constantly... 

   Once it hit 9:30am I checked the schedule and realized my first dog of the morning coming in was a husky. Not only was he a husky but he was a Furminator (conditioner and brush we use for shedding). Not only was this dog also a Furminator... But he also had notes. So naturally I thought to myself, "great" as I rolled my eyes and checked the computer.

 "DO NOT BOOK ON WEEKENDS. THIS DOG IS VERY DOG AGGRESSIVE. 

WILL BITE FOR DRYER. MUST BE KENNEL DRIED ONLY" 

   I knew at that moment my day was about to get worse. 

   So once the husky came in, I checked him in and brought him to the back. Once I got him to the bathing bunker I decided to brush him before bathing him that way I could get out most of the fur. Bad idea. Once I started to come near him with a brush he started barking and crying and howling and moving all over the place as if I was about to stab him with it. I got him calmed and slowly and gently started to brush his back. That's when he turned around and bit my arm. Thank the Lord he didn't draw any blood. After that I had one of the other groomers help me and he did much better. I could not dry him what so ever with the hand held so I had to put him in the kennel and it took all of about 4 hours to dry him. Not only did I have to stay a little late.. But I stayed over an hour and a half past the time I got off work to finish him...

Finally I got off work and went straight home.

Once I got home I was so glad to have an end to this shitty day. But of course it didn't stop there. The inevitable fact in the back of my head kept creeping into my thoughts... How are we going to afford IUI and IVF? 

   I'm very positive that even if we do IUI, it still isn't going to work and that IVF is our only option. I'm wondering if we should skip IUI all together and go straight for IVF. This is something that I contemplate every day. I'm wondering if I should start up a donation site for us to come up with the money for it. $20,000 is a lot of money and unfortunately Tricare doesn't cover any of it. Sigh. 

   The only thing that will make my day better is when Jared gets off work and I can finally get some relief and be with the only person that understands. Just be with the only person that makes these constant thoughts disappear. Which thankfully he will be home within and hour.

   Love Always,

      Anna 

Two years

Well hello hello! It has been almost two years since I have been on here. Two years that has gone by with a mile long list of things that have happened. The main thing is, we are still trying to have a baby.

  Jared came home from his deployment in one piece. His vehicle during that convoy mission was the target vehicle for an IED/EFP. So when he came home, it was like I was holding my whole world in my arms.. safe.. and alive... Jared and I tried for several months to try to get pregnant with no luck. We finally reached out to our doctor and got a referral for a fertility specialist. We made the long two and a half hour drive to see our new doctor with hopes that we would be comfortable. We immediately were very happy with the plan our doctor had for us and were anxious to get things started. After countless appointments, procedures and tests we found out that I have a few issues and so does Jared. We were accepted into the "wonderful" world of infertility. It was heartbreaking when we found out that we have so many things working against us. We have an amazing marriage, the best friendship a couple could ever have.. With how perfect our life together is, there's just one thing that we can't do for each other... Give one another a child.

...Ten months later...

  To bring you up to current times, we have been seeing this fertility specialist for over 10 months now. I have been on several different fertility medications and so far it hasn't worked. We are currently waiting for next Friday because Jared FINALLY has an appointment with a urologist to hopefully find out whats going on with his sperm. It has been such an emotional roller coaster during our experience, but honestly... It has made us closer than ever. This journey has not broken us down as a couple but has brought us together in hopes that we will achieve our miracle.

  The only thing holding us back at the moment is finances. Unfortunately Tricare will not cover IUI or IVF... and those are our next two options.. IUI is around $2,000 per round and IVF is at least $10,000. If we were able to do payments we would definitely be able to go through with it, but unfortunately our provider only takes payment up front at the end of every appointment. I don't know what we are going to do to come up with the money. I have currently been searching for different organizations that give grants or financial assistance to military members trying to conceive, but so far I can't find one that is right for us. I thought about making a donation site but I don't know if I would feel comfortable taking money from people to achieve OUR dream.. It just doesn't seem right, if we can't afford it or can't get some kind of grant then I would feel awful asking people for money.

All in all, we are basically stuck in a place and we don't know which direction to go. It would be amazing if we could afford the $2,000 out of pocket for IUI, but it just isn't something we can come up with all at once.

Either way, I will continue this blog during our journey to shed some light on those who have had pregnancy loss and for those who are new to infertility or have been going through it for several months or years.

I'm hoping that sharing our experience will help those that are going through the same. Infertility does not define who we are and it will not break us down.

Goodnight world.