Anxious and Nervous

  It has finally come to that time.. The day before tomorrow. I have been so anxious and nervous on what tomorrow's urology appointment for Jared will bring. Good news? Bad news? Is there going to be something we can do to fix this issue. What caused this to even happen in the first place? 

  All of these questions going around my head is making me dizzy.

   The only thing holding me back from getting pregnant is what is wrong with Jared's sperm. His Semen Analysis results just continue to get worse. The morphology now is 100% abnormal, 54.5% are non motile, 21.5% non progressive. 

What are we going to do?

   We are hoping to get some answers. What kind of answers we will get is what I'm afraid of. What if they say that there is nothing he can do to repair the damage that has been done? All I have wanted these past two years is to give my husband a child. It breaks my heart that I can not do the one thing a woman is made to do. I know he feels the same way though. It's hurting him to not be able to give me what I want as well. The only thing we ARE NOT doing is blaming each other. In the TTC world, placing blame on one another is the absolute worst thing you can do. 

   Jared and I have one of the strongest relationships that I have ever seen. Thankfully, it just happens to be the relationship I am apart of. If not being able to give each other a child is the worst thing in our relationship, then I'll take it. I already have the perfect man, the perfect marriage.. If having a child isn't in the cards for us then that's okay. I am already so blessed. 

..Anyway, enough rambling..

 Well Jared will be home soon... The sooner the better. That way we can shower and TRY to get some sleep. Please keep us in your prayers. I will update everyone once we find something out..

 Good night world

Love Always,

Anna       

In a rut

   ...Today has been a long day...

Let me start from the beginning

   I had to be to work at 7:00am... YES seven in the morning... The day started off okay but I was seriously drained from the night before. Even though I'm extremely exhausted the next day when I stay up the night before with Jared, it is completely worth it. He is still in search for a deployment soon so that we can pay our bills off. Every moment with my incredible husband is a moment that I try to take advantage of. 

   I got to work this morning and could not in any way shape or form get into it. Being a groomer is a fun job that I seriously love but of course, I was the guinea pig for a new cleaning schedule this morning. Our salon manager marked off my 7-9 spots so that I didn't have any dogs to groom so that I could deep clean the bathing bunker and kennels. Oh joy what a wonderful morning.  So for all of 3 hours until my next dog came in I spent on my hands and knees, sweating my ass off cleaning. As I was scrubbing the walls behind the kennels with a long brush I ended up harpooning myself in the leg with the end of the brush stick, or broom stick if you will. So now I have a lovely bruise on my thigh that hurts constantly... 

   Once it hit 9:30am I checked the schedule and realized my first dog of the morning coming in was a husky. Not only was he a husky but he was a Furminator (conditioner and brush we use for shedding). Not only was this dog also a Furminator... But he also had notes. So naturally I thought to myself, "great" as I rolled my eyes and checked the computer.

 "DO NOT BOOK ON WEEKENDS. THIS DOG IS VERY DOG AGGRESSIVE. 

WILL BITE FOR DRYER. MUST BE KENNEL DRIED ONLY" 

   I knew at that moment my day was about to get worse. 

   So once the husky came in, I checked him in and brought him to the back. Once I got him to the bathing bunker I decided to brush him before bathing him that way I could get out most of the fur. Bad idea. Once I started to come near him with a brush he started barking and crying and howling and moving all over the place as if I was about to stab him with it. I got him calmed and slowly and gently started to brush his back. That's when he turned around and bit my arm. Thank the Lord he didn't draw any blood. After that I had one of the other groomers help me and he did much better. I could not dry him what so ever with the hand held so I had to put him in the kennel and it took all of about 4 hours to dry him. Not only did I have to stay a little late.. But I stayed over an hour and a half past the time I got off work to finish him...

Finally I got off work and went straight home.

Once I got home I was so glad to have an end to this shitty day. But of course it didn't stop there. The inevitable fact in the back of my head kept creeping into my thoughts... How are we going to afford IUI and IVF? 

   I'm very positive that even if we do IUI, it still isn't going to work and that IVF is our only option. I'm wondering if we should skip IUI all together and go straight for IVF. This is something that I contemplate every day. I'm wondering if I should start up a donation site for us to come up with the money for it. $20,000 is a lot of money and unfortunately Tricare doesn't cover any of it. Sigh. 

   The only thing that will make my day better is when Jared gets off work and I can finally get some relief and be with the only person that understands. Just be with the only person that makes these constant thoughts disappear. Which thankfully he will be home within and hour.

   Love Always,

      Anna 

Two years

Well hello hello! It has been almost two years since I have been on here. Two years that has gone by with a mile long list of things that have happened. The main thing is, we are still trying to have a baby.

  Jared came home from his deployment in one piece. His vehicle during that convoy mission was the target vehicle for an IED/EFP. So when he came home, it was like I was holding my whole world in my arms.. safe.. and alive... Jared and I tried for several months to try to get pregnant with no luck. We finally reached out to our doctor and got a referral for a fertility specialist. We made the long two and a half hour drive to see our new doctor with hopes that we would be comfortable. We immediately were very happy with the plan our doctor had for us and were anxious to get things started. After countless appointments, procedures and tests we found out that I have a few issues and so does Jared. We were accepted into the "wonderful" world of infertility. It was heartbreaking when we found out that we have so many things working against us. We have an amazing marriage, the best friendship a couple could ever have.. With how perfect our life together is, there's just one thing that we can't do for each other... Give one another a child.

...Ten months later...

  To bring you up to current times, we have been seeing this fertility specialist for over 10 months now. I have been on several different fertility medications and so far it hasn't worked. We are currently waiting for next Friday because Jared FINALLY has an appointment with a urologist to hopefully find out whats going on with his sperm. It has been such an emotional roller coaster during our experience, but honestly... It has made us closer than ever. This journey has not broken us down as a couple but has brought us together in hopes that we will achieve our miracle.

  The only thing holding us back at the moment is finances. Unfortunately Tricare will not cover IUI or IVF... and those are our next two options.. IUI is around $2,000 per round and IVF is at least $10,000. If we were able to do payments we would definitely be able to go through with it, but unfortunately our provider only takes payment up front at the end of every appointment. I don't know what we are going to do to come up with the money. I have currently been searching for different organizations that give grants or financial assistance to military members trying to conceive, but so far I can't find one that is right for us. I thought about making a donation site but I don't know if I would feel comfortable taking money from people to achieve OUR dream.. It just doesn't seem right, if we can't afford it or can't get some kind of grant then I would feel awful asking people for money.

All in all, we are basically stuck in a place and we don't know which direction to go. It would be amazing if we could afford the $2,000 out of pocket for IUI, but it just isn't something we can come up with all at once.

Either way, I will continue this blog during our journey to shed some light on those who have had pregnancy loss and for those who are new to infertility or have been going through it for several months or years.

I'm hoping that sharing our experience will help those that are going through the same. Infertility does not define who we are and it will not break us down.

Goodnight world.

Little reminders coming from every direction

Ever since my miscarriage I have been having "reminders" thrown at me from every direction. Friends of mine have been posting their cute belly pictures and pictures of their new borns. On top of that my dad and step mom are trying to have a baby. It seems as though I'm not able to get it out of my head that I too could have enjoyed the pregnancy and birth process.. But now am not able to. I still feel like it is my fault. Like I could have done something even though everyone has told me I coouldn't have. There seems to be more commercials about pregnancy tests, adopting children, and endless things to buy a baby.

For me I wasn't able to feel the flutters of the baby moving inside of me. Or the cravings that I would have had for different weird combinations of food. Jared and I have tried again when I went to visit him before he went to Iraq. But with the slight cramping I usually have a week before my period (which is this week) I highly doubt it has happened again.

I wonder everyday what our baby would have looked like, boy or girl. I day dream about being in the hospital with Jared by my side as we welcome our little bundle of joy into the world.

This miscarriage has taken a toll on me physically and mentally. I'm depressed and I don't have the will or the want to get up and do anything. Unfortunatly I'm not able to sleep or I would sleep the day away just so I wouldn't have to think about it.

I feel like no matter what I do I can't get the thought out of my mind. I'm exhausted from this depression that I am in. And I don't know how to get out of it. Jared's gone.. and will be for 6 months. I don't have the comfort I need from him being by my side. and I refuse to tell him how I feel so that he doesn't worry about me and can stay focused.

All in all.. the only thing I do is blaim myself.

Loss

These past few weeks have been the worst I've ever had to go through. On top of Jared leaving at the beginning of the month, I'm not sure how much I can endure.

On September 13,2011 my whole world had been turned upside down.

I started having slight cramping earlier in the day while I was in class. It was sudden and came from nowhere. As the day went on the cramping got worse. I drove home after my last class for the day knowing something just wasn't right with me. I couldn't breathe very well because the pain was so bad. As soon as I got home I told Janna about what was going on and told her I was going to go upstairs for a nap. I took 4 Ibuprofen and had the sudden urge to use the restroom. As soon as I sat down I passed two very large clots. Deep inside I knew what was happening.. I just didn't want to face it. I was in denial. I told Janna what happened and her and Sonia convinced me to go to the ER. When I got there they brought me back and took my vitals and I had to give a urine sample. The doctor came into my room and told me either I was having a breakthrough period or I was having a miscarriage. He had said if my urine sample is negative then I could go home with some pain meds and not worry. But if it was positive I'd have to stay and do some more testing. Pregnancy was the LAST thing on my mind. I didn't feel like I was. I didn't have symptoms like I've read about. I was so worried about Jared getting settled in the Combat Training camp he was in that I didn't think this could happen. We tried for so many months to get pregnant with no positive result. To me, I thought maybe I just had another cyst on my ovary. While these thoughts were rolling around my head the doctor came back in and told me the results were positive. I was pregnant..

I didn't know how to feel. I was excited and have been waiting for that result for so many months now. In the midst of my very short time span of happiness I remembered what had happened just a couple hours before. Then I got scared. I thought something was wrong with my baby and I was loosing it. I thought of every single thing I've done, not knowing I was pregnant. The 1 glass of wine I was having before bed since Jared left to help me sleep. When I had slipped down the stairs and hurt my ankle and hip the night before. My eating habits and not getting enough rest. I was so afraid, and Jared wasn't there to comfort me.

A nurse came in to take my blood to check my HCG level and to check my blood type. It literally took him almost 45 minutes to draw my blood. I'm sure he was new and didn't really know what he was doing. He used an IV to take my blood out. He put the tube in and hooked a giant syringe up to it and pulled very slowly and let go. This went on for 45 minutes. During the blood drawing, he told me if my vein wouldn't give him more, faster, that he would have to try to get some from another vein and that the blood he drew would be bad since it was outside my body for so long. Eventually he decided he probably had enough and then ran salene through my vein.

After another 20 minutes the doctor came back and I had to get a pap done. He just wanted to check my cervix. It took all of about 30 seconds and he told me my cervix is completely closed which is a really good sign. That maybe I was having a threatened miscarriage and that my baby was OK.

I waited another hour for him to come back and he had told me my HCG level was negative and that I had a miscarriage. For almost 3 hours I sat in the emergency room knowing I was pregnant.. all to have it ripped away from me. I left and went home and waited for Jared's call. It was the hardest thing I had to do.. to tell him that our baby had died. He was of course upset but reassured me that he was just glad that I was OK.

It's been a week and I had an ultrasound done this morning. My regular doctor wants to make sure that everything came out by itself. It's so hard knowing that everything Jared and I wanted we got. But for some reason it was taken away from us.

Everyone tells me that it isn't my fault. But not matter what anyone says I can't help the fact that I feel the way I do. I've thought about it every single day. Every time I see a woman with a big belly or my friends talk about their own pregnancies it hurts.

How do you grieve for such a loss? I didn't even talk to the baby, I couldn't really see anything that distinguished as a baby on the ultrasound. I saw something. A blob in my uterus.. Or maybe it was my imagination... Like I imagined a blog that I never felt kick or read poetry to. A blob that I would never see in life or death. A blob that must already have passed, unmarked, into its watery grave.

While I was bleeding, every time I went to the restroom was a let down. Every time I knew that I wouldn't be able to go through all of the ups and downs of being pregnant, up until that day of delivery. I wonder what it what look like, boy or girl. If it would have my color eyes or Jared's nose. I think about what it would feel like the first time that baby called me mama.

I know that I will have a baby one day. It's just hard knowing that I couldn't do anything to help this one. That maybe if I actually knew I was pregnant that I could have done something about it. That I could have just saved it. But I didn't.. I didn't save it. Instead I let it die... and now I have to live with that. ..

Inner Strength

It has been so long since the last time I wrote. Too many things have been going on with Jared's deployment coming up and me starting school.

Today was the first day of classes! It went great! I felt really good being there after my 3 and a half year break! The math teacher is a nice guy. He goes through the problems at a good pace and doesn't mind helping or tutoring. He even gave us his email and cell phone number if we needed any help. It's extremely different from High School. Of course, homework was assigned on the first day! But it isn't due until next Monday. The school got the math book in 2 days before school started so he is giving us a week to get it and get our homework in. Which is very nice of him because that book is $84!! Tomorrow I start my College Success class and Reading. I am very excited to start!

On the other hand...

I am thankful I've had a couple of good days this week because the others have been very hard. Friday I had Jared's surprise going away party. His little sister and older brother came along with his cousin that he hasn't seen in 15 years. Also we had a bunch of our family and close friends stop by to join in on his last get together until he gets back.

I have been very stressed and very emotional the past 3 weeks. 10 more days until he leaves. I feel like it's coming way too fast. The time has flown by and I feel like we haven't had enough time to be together. I feel this sickness in my stomach that I can't get rid of. Every time I think of him leaving I tear up.. I can't help it. Not only will I not be able to see him for 8 months.. I wont be able to protect him. I wont be able to make sure he is doing okay. I wont be able to sit and look him in the eyes as he tells me about his day. I wont be able to feel his touch against my skin. The one thing I've ever wanted most in the world is leaving.. The only one that cares about me for who I am.

I'm trying so hard to stay strong.. I'm trying everything to pull from deep within to keep it together in front of him. Even though I want to scream and cry I can't do it in front of him. I don't want him to worry about me more than he already will. I want him to believe that I'm going to be okay without him. Even though I know I wont be.. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself too. I now understand and have a better appreciation for those who have to go through deployments. This is the scariest thing I've ever been through. Out of all the times I've been hit, pushed, choked, smacked or had my life threatened by someone I thought cared about me.. All of that put together has nothing on what I feel now. I don't know how to handle it. I don't know what to do.

All I want is for him to come home safe. I pray to God every night as I'm holding him.. I pray that he just watches over him, that he brings him home to me. I don't know what I would do if something happened to him. I can't loose him. Not after what I've been through. I couldn't take something happening to him. He's everything I've ever dreamed of. He's the man I fell in love with in my dreams.. at the time I just didn't know his name.

I know my family loves me and cares about me. And I know they will do everything they can to make me feel better. But a lot of them haven't gone through this before. Some of them won't understand. Even though I appreciate them and everything they will do for me, I just feel like nothing will make it better. Everyone says to stay busy and keep my mind occupied during the day. Well what about the nights alone. What about sleeping in our bed by myself. What do I do when all I am doing is worrying about him wondering if he is OK, wondering if he is staying strong when I'm breaking down. I feel sorry for my family to even have to put up with me. I don't even want to let them know how I'm feeling. I just want to cry. I want to cry until I can't cry anymore..

I feel so emotional and he hasn't even left yet.. How am I going to be when he is actually gone? I'm trying so hard to stay strong. But it just doesn't seem to be working very well....

Busy Busy Busy

The past few days have been EXTREMELY busy!

I went to the college on Friday. I got signed up and everything taken care of and now I am enrolled in three classes. It's amazing. I never thought I would actually go to college. Being where I was in my life more than 6 months ago, I didn't have the encouragement or the money to go. Jared has been nothing but encouraging me and helping me in every way he can so that I get my dream made.

After I went to the college I came home and researched different scholarships and pell grants that I would hopefully be eligible for. I signed up for FAFSA and MyCAA. With FAFSA i am eligible for $800 and for MyCAA I'm eligible for $2000 per fiscal year. Because I am a military wife I am able to get MyCAA. Which is so amazing because it seriously helps so much.

This weekend has been very good. Jared and I slept almost all day Saturday. At 3:00pm we got up and went with dad and Janna to the BX. I finally got new shoes so that I can go to the gym. Thank the Lord because I've been feeling very bad about myself. Time for me to get into shape. After the BX, Jared and I went to church with dad, Janna, and Renee. It was a great service and I'm very happy that I went.

Yesterday we went on a double date with our friends Ryan and Linda. They are married and Ryan works with Jared. He is one of very few guys Jared actually hangs out with. They are great people and have told me that I am welcome to hang out with them anytime when Jared deploys.

Today has been a kind of rough day. I took our truck to my moms so that my uncle could look at it. We thought the breaks needed to be changed. Well come to find out that the barrings were completely loose on the right side. So he tightened that and now it drives great. The only thing is, is that the ball joints on both front tires are bad. So it's going to cost over $300 to get replaced.

My brother in law's car completely blew up on him. and he found out that he is going to have to be put on disability. Where he works he has to type between 8-12 hours a day. He went to the doctor and found out he has tendinitis in his hand and can only type for about 15 minutes at a time. So while Jared is deployed, we are going to lend him the truck that way he is able to save up money to get another car.

So much has been going on that it is giving me a headache. One week from now will be the count down til Jared leaves. This is going to be a very stressful month...