Ever since my miscarriage I have been having "reminders" thrown at me from every direction. Friends of mine have been posting their cute belly pictures and pictures of their new borns. On top of that my dad and step mom are trying to have a baby. It seems as though I'm not able to get it out of my head that I too could have enjoyed the pregnancy and birth process.. But now am not able to. I still feel like it is my fault. Like I could have done something even though everyone has told me I coouldn't have. There seems to be more commercials about pregnancy tests, adopting children, and endless things to buy a baby.
For me I wasn't able to feel the flutters of the baby moving inside of me. Or the cravings that I would have had for different weird combinations of food. Jared and I have tried again when I went to visit him before he went to Iraq. But with the slight cramping I usually have a week before my period (which is this week) I highly doubt it has happened again.
I wonder everyday what our baby would have looked like, boy or girl. I day dream about being in the hospital with Jared by my side as we welcome our little bundle of joy into the world.
This miscarriage has taken a toll on me physically and mentally. I'm depressed and I don't have the will or the want to get up and do anything. Unfortunatly I'm not able to sleep or I would sleep the day away just so I wouldn't have to think about it.
I feel like no matter what I do I can't get the thought out of my mind. I'm exhausted from this depression that I am in. And I don't know how to get out of it. Jared's gone.. and will be for 6 months. I don't have the comfort I need from him being by my side. and I refuse to tell him how I feel so that he doesn't worry about me and can stay focused.
All in all.. the only thing I do is blaim myself.
