The past few days have been EXTREMELY busy!
I went to the college on Friday. I got signed up and everything taken care of and now I am enrolled in three classes. It's amazing. I never thought I would actually go to college. Being where I was in my life more than 6 months ago, I didn't have the encouragement or the money to go. Jared has been nothing but encouraging me and helping me in every way he can so that I get my dream made.
After I went to the college I came home and researched different scholarships and pell grants that I would hopefully be eligible for. I signed up for FAFSA and MyCAA. With FAFSA i am eligible for $800 and for MyCAA I'm eligible for $2000 per fiscal year. Because I am a military wife I am able to get MyCAA. Which is so amazing because it seriously helps so much.
This weekend has been very good. Jared and I slept almost all day Saturday. At 3:00pm we got up and went with dad and Janna to the BX. I finally got new shoes so that I can go to the gym. Thank the Lord because I've been feeling very bad about myself. Time for me to get into shape. After the BX, Jared and I went to church with dad, Janna, and Renee. It was a great service and I'm very happy that I went.
Yesterday we went on a double date with our friends Ryan and Linda. They are married and Ryan works with Jared. He is one of very few guys Jared actually hangs out with. They are great people and have told me that I am welcome to hang out with them anytime when Jared deploys.
Today has been a kind of rough day. I took our truck to my moms so that my uncle could look at it. We thought the breaks needed to be changed. Well come to find out that the barrings were completely loose on the right side. So he tightened that and now it drives great. The only thing is, is that the ball joints on both front tires are bad. So it's going to cost over $300 to get replaced.
My brother in law's car completely blew up on him. and he found out that he is going to have to be put on disability. Where he works he has to type between 8-12 hours a day. He went to the doctor and found out he has tendinitis in his hand and can only type for about 15 minutes at a time. So while Jared is deployed, we are going to lend him the truck that way he is able to save up money to get another car.
So much has been going on that it is giving me a headache. One week from now will be the count down til Jared leaves. This is going to be a very stressful month...
Monday, July 25, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Time's running out
Jared and I have been talking a lot about his deployment. Only a month and a half until he leaves. Even though I'm not looking forward to it I'm starting to finally accept that it is coming, and it isn't going to change. All I can do is pray and ask God to watch over him while he is gone. Don't get me wrong, it does scare the living shit out of me thinking that he will be so far away in a country where a lot of people want him dead for no reason. I wont be able to protect him which is making it very hard. But I do know that he isn't an idiot. He knows this isn't going to be some kind of fun vacation. He will be on his guard and he will try to be as safe as possible. I've been going through websites looking for neat ideas for care packages that I can send him. I'm so glad that people have taken their time to put these things on the web. It makes it so easy for wives like me, going through the first deployment, to get ideas of what to send them.
On another note, today I am actually feeling pretty good about myself. I haven't been thinking much lately about how shitty of a wife that I truly am. I just keep thinking that if we had our own house that I could be the wife I want to be. The house wife Jared wants. But this not being our home, I can't do the things I want to do. I know Jared loves me and thinks the world of me.. it's just taking some time to feel the same way about myself. My life has done a complete turn around from 9 months ago. It's been a very hard road but it's finally better.
Sometimes I feel like it's a dream. That I'm going to wake up and still be stuck in the same situation I was in. With a person that beats me up all the time.
The main thing I think about, when I think about my ex, is the times he would hit me. I don't remember "good times". Our whole relationship was about him, and if for some reason the spotlight wasn't on him, he would get very angry and take it out on me.
I'm trying to make myself remember those times. Remember everything that happened. That way I can truly get over it and be free of it. and I don't mean that I want to be with him or anything of that nature. Oh God no. But what people don't understand is that it takes a person a very long time to get over abuse. Unfortunately, I'm trying to get over 7 years of it. The main thing I need to get "over" is to stop beating myself up for staying with him. For not pulling myself out of the situation. I can't help that I didn't. It happened. I just need to move on.
Jared and I were talking about it one day. He asked, " Your family are very good people. They love you and would do anything for you. Why didn't they step in?" I had to explain to him that they did. Several times, but when someone doesn't want help, you can't help them. I tried to do it on my own because I felt like I would be a burden on them if I had asked for help. I can't blame them. It was my fault for not letting them in as many times as they tried. One thing is for sure, they didn't give up on me. That's more than I could have ever asked for.
My relationship with Jared is 10x better than it was in the beginning. I'm starting a long road to loving myself. Jared knows and understands that. With knowing what I've been through and what I'm trying to achieve, he's by my side no matter what and has given me his support through all my crazy ups and downs. Without him in my life I don't know what I'd do. He truly is a blessing. A complete angel in disguise.
On another note, today I am actually feeling pretty good about myself. I haven't been thinking much lately about how shitty of a wife that I truly am. I just keep thinking that if we had our own house that I could be the wife I want to be. The house wife Jared wants. But this not being our home, I can't do the things I want to do. I know Jared loves me and thinks the world of me.. it's just taking some time to feel the same way about myself. My life has done a complete turn around from 9 months ago. It's been a very hard road but it's finally better.
Sometimes I feel like it's a dream. That I'm going to wake up and still be stuck in the same situation I was in. With a person that beats me up all the time.
The main thing I think about, when I think about my ex, is the times he would hit me. I don't remember "good times". Our whole relationship was about him, and if for some reason the spotlight wasn't on him, he would get very angry and take it out on me.
I'm trying to make myself remember those times. Remember everything that happened. That way I can truly get over it and be free of it. and I don't mean that I want to be with him or anything of that nature. Oh God no. But what people don't understand is that it takes a person a very long time to get over abuse. Unfortunately, I'm trying to get over 7 years of it. The main thing I need to get "over" is to stop beating myself up for staying with him. For not pulling myself out of the situation. I can't help that I didn't. It happened. I just need to move on.
Jared and I were talking about it one day. He asked, " Your family are very good people. They love you and would do anything for you. Why didn't they step in?" I had to explain to him that they did. Several times, but when someone doesn't want help, you can't help them. I tried to do it on my own because I felt like I would be a burden on them if I had asked for help. I can't blame them. It was my fault for not letting them in as many times as they tried. One thing is for sure, they didn't give up on me. That's more than I could have ever asked for.
My relationship with Jared is 10x better than it was in the beginning. I'm starting a long road to loving myself. Jared knows and understands that. With knowing what I've been through and what I'm trying to achieve, he's by my side no matter what and has given me his support through all my crazy ups and downs. Without him in my life I don't know what I'd do. He truly is a blessing. A complete angel in disguise.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Insecurity
So a few weeks ago I went for my physical. Had my pap done and everything went great that day.
A week later I went back to the hospital. I hadn't started me period for two weeks. I had a blood test done and of course with the luck I have it was negative. I was talking to the doctor and she went over a few things I can do to maybe help our chances. Diet, exercise, basal body temp, etc. She then looked over my results of my pap from the week before.
For the first time in my life I have an abnormal pap. Of course, I cried. She told me they were sending my sample off to a lab in Texas to test to see if I have HPV. I've never had any problems in that area before. What would Jared think? Would he be grossed out? So I sat and cried and the doctor tried to calm me down. Told me different stories of women having abnormal paps but all sexually transmitted tests coming back negative. For some reason that happens sometimes. She told me her own personal story about her having HPV and that she had to get some of her cervix burned off to get rid of it.
I am thankful that she tried everything she could to calm me down, she even gave me a hug. But sometimes people just can't make me feel better. So the past 2 weeks I've been in a dream. She told me it was safe to have sex still but I haven't been in the mood. I've felt horrible about myself.
The other day I got the phone call of the results. My tests were all negative. Thank the Lord they were negative..
Even though I don't have any kind of disease, it still makes me feel disgusted with myself.. with my body.. I told Jared about it and the only thing he asked was if having an abnormal pap could be the reason I wasn't getting pregnant. But of course that has nothing to do with it.. I already asked the doctor. He seems to be ok with it and was joking about it to try to make me feel better. I do love him and I feel so blessed yet again to have him.
I layed in bed all night last night and wondered what he thought. Wondering if he would be disgusted while touching me. Even though we've had sex since then and he still seems to be completely aroused by me and makes me feel like I'm everything he's ever desired.. I still wonder if he's a little turned off knowing that information.
Again, I'm probably over reacting. Letting my emotions and my own worries overcome me. I'm so exhausted with thinking bad thoughts about myself. Trying to have a child hasn't been working. and I'm pretty sure it's me that has something wrong. He's never done drugs, smoked cigs or anything. He barely ever drinks. I've done plenty of drugs and things that I'm not proud of. I've probably damaged myself. It would be my luck to find the man of my dreams, everything I've ever wanted and not be able to bare his children..
It's times like these where I want to take a pill, or smoke a cig, or drink until I fall asleep. My thoughts are starting to get to be too much for me. I can't talk to anyone about what's going on inside. Jared is leaving in less than 2 months. I don't want him to worry about me. He needs to be focused on his mission. I can't tell any of my family. I can't stand the thought of them being ashamed of me again. They were that way for many years. I don't know what I'd do if it happened again..
A week later I went back to the hospital. I hadn't started me period for two weeks. I had a blood test done and of course with the luck I have it was negative. I was talking to the doctor and she went over a few things I can do to maybe help our chances. Diet, exercise, basal body temp, etc. She then looked over my results of my pap from the week before.
For the first time in my life I have an abnormal pap. Of course, I cried. She told me they were sending my sample off to a lab in Texas to test to see if I have HPV. I've never had any problems in that area before. What would Jared think? Would he be grossed out? So I sat and cried and the doctor tried to calm me down. Told me different stories of women having abnormal paps but all sexually transmitted tests coming back negative. For some reason that happens sometimes. She told me her own personal story about her having HPV and that she had to get some of her cervix burned off to get rid of it.
I am thankful that she tried everything she could to calm me down, she even gave me a hug. But sometimes people just can't make me feel better. So the past 2 weeks I've been in a dream. She told me it was safe to have sex still but I haven't been in the mood. I've felt horrible about myself.
The other day I got the phone call of the results. My tests were all negative. Thank the Lord they were negative..
Even though I don't have any kind of disease, it still makes me feel disgusted with myself.. with my body.. I told Jared about it and the only thing he asked was if having an abnormal pap could be the reason I wasn't getting pregnant. But of course that has nothing to do with it.. I already asked the doctor. He seems to be ok with it and was joking about it to try to make me feel better. I do love him and I feel so blessed yet again to have him.
I layed in bed all night last night and wondered what he thought. Wondering if he would be disgusted while touching me. Even though we've had sex since then and he still seems to be completely aroused by me and makes me feel like I'm everything he's ever desired.. I still wonder if he's a little turned off knowing that information.
Again, I'm probably over reacting. Letting my emotions and my own worries overcome me. I'm so exhausted with thinking bad thoughts about myself. Trying to have a child hasn't been working. and I'm pretty sure it's me that has something wrong. He's never done drugs, smoked cigs or anything. He barely ever drinks. I've done plenty of drugs and things that I'm not proud of. I've probably damaged myself. It would be my luck to find the man of my dreams, everything I've ever wanted and not be able to bare his children..
It's times like these where I want to take a pill, or smoke a cig, or drink until I fall asleep. My thoughts are starting to get to be too much for me. I can't talk to anyone about what's going on inside. Jared is leaving in less than 2 months. I don't want him to worry about me. He needs to be focused on his mission. I can't tell any of my family. I can't stand the thought of them being ashamed of me again. They were that way for many years. I don't know what I'd do if it happened again..
Monday, July 4, 2011
4th Of July
Today was a great day. I woke up around 11 and ate. Poor Jared slept until about 2 because he got off pretty late last night. Even though I was awake the whole time, he wanted me to be with him. Just to lay with him. He is so cute when he is sleeping. Thank God he was able to get a few extra hours.
Once he woke up he got up and ate. We pretty much sat around all day enjoying each others company. Something that I love to do. At around 4 we came back up to the room and just layed in bed together. He played Mortal Kombat LOL...
I'm trying to soak up as much of the little things, like laying in bed starring into each others eyes. Really capturing the moment so that when he leaves I can make myself fall asleep at night just by focusing on these little moments.
We ended up falling asleep..
Woke up at around 7 and went to Janna's moms house. We had dinner with her, dad, her parents and sister. It was nice to see her mom out of the hospital and feeling tons better than she did a few days ago. Thank God she is fighting as hard as she is. I've honestly never seen a woman be so strong before. I pray every day that the cancer will be gone.
After dinner we walked to Lion's Park in Niceville to watch the fireworks. It makes me want to cry, a happy cry, that I have him to spend time with. Just to sit back and watch to fireworks. Just him and I. Even though we sat on rocks and it was super hot outside and humid, it was one of the best times I've had in my life. Being able to just sit with him.
Knowing in 2 months that he will leave for 6 months or longer, really makes me appreciate everything that we do together. Every second spent with him makes me so happy. I've never had happiness like this.
I can say today was a great day. Not once did I think bad thoughts. My mind didn't wander and I didn't get depressed about myself. Today I actually loved myself. I thank Jared for that. Without him and all the love he shows me I wouldn't be where I am.
Once he woke up he got up and ate. We pretty much sat around all day enjoying each others company. Something that I love to do. At around 4 we came back up to the room and just layed in bed together. He played Mortal Kombat LOL...
I'm trying to soak up as much of the little things, like laying in bed starring into each others eyes. Really capturing the moment so that when he leaves I can make myself fall asleep at night just by focusing on these little moments.
We ended up falling asleep..
Woke up at around 7 and went to Janna's moms house. We had dinner with her, dad, her parents and sister. It was nice to see her mom out of the hospital and feeling tons better than she did a few days ago. Thank God she is fighting as hard as she is. I've honestly never seen a woman be so strong before. I pray every day that the cancer will be gone.
After dinner we walked to Lion's Park in Niceville to watch the fireworks. It makes me want to cry, a happy cry, that I have him to spend time with. Just to sit back and watch to fireworks. Just him and I. Even though we sat on rocks and it was super hot outside and humid, it was one of the best times I've had in my life. Being able to just sit with him.
Knowing in 2 months that he will leave for 6 months or longer, really makes me appreciate everything that we do together. Every second spent with him makes me so happy. I've never had happiness like this.
I can say today was a great day. Not once did I think bad thoughts. My mind didn't wander and I didn't get depressed about myself. Today I actually loved myself. I thank Jared for that. Without him and all the love he shows me I wouldn't be where I am.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Tired
I'm getting to the point where I'm getting tired. Tired of being tired of my thoughts. I'm thinking of going to see a counselor when Jared leaves. Two more months and he will be in Texas training. A month after that he will be in Iraq. I'm so very afraid. I love him and worry about him being over there. He thinks I'll be fine with just the support of my family, but I don't think that will be enough. Don't get me wrong they are great, but sometimes they tell me what I want to hear. Instead of the truth.
I have ups and downs. And sometimes they are small and not as bad. Other times I blow up for no reason or blow things out of proportion. I've been doing the worse one lately. God bless Jared for dealing with my craziness. Sometimes I feel like it's unfair for him to deal with it. He doesn't even seem like it bothers him. But I do wonder if it does.
I'm wanting to have a part time job when Jared is gone. He says I don't have to but I am starting to feel like a bum. I don't work. He does. I'm not in school. He is. I just don't want him to think I'm taking advantage of him. I'm going to go to the campus on base Tuesday and talk to someone about what I can do. Now that I'm married to Jared I can get back into school a lot easier than if I was a regular civilian. I'm also going to try harder to fill out applications to places. Maybe a few clothing stores. Places that aren't very fast pace that way I can kind of being in a relaxing atmosphere when he leaves.
I have ups and downs. And sometimes they are small and not as bad. Other times I blow up for no reason or blow things out of proportion. I've been doing the worse one lately. God bless Jared for dealing with my craziness. Sometimes I feel like it's unfair for him to deal with it. He doesn't even seem like it bothers him. But I do wonder if it does.
I'm wanting to have a part time job when Jared is gone. He says I don't have to but I am starting to feel like a bum. I don't work. He does. I'm not in school. He is. I just don't want him to think I'm taking advantage of him. I'm going to go to the campus on base Tuesday and talk to someone about what I can do. Now that I'm married to Jared I can get back into school a lot easier than if I was a regular civilian. I'm also going to try harder to fill out applications to places. Maybe a few clothing stores. Places that aren't very fast pace that way I can kind of being in a relaxing atmosphere when he leaves.
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