Insecurity

So a few weeks ago I went for my physical. Had my pap done and everything went great that day.

A week later I went back to the hospital. I hadn't started me period for two weeks. I had a blood test done and of course with the luck I have it was negative. I was talking to the doctor and she went over a few things I can do to maybe help our chances. Diet, exercise, basal body temp, etc. She then looked over my results of my pap from the week before.

For the first time in my life I have an abnormal pap. Of course, I cried. She told me they were sending my sample off to a lab in Texas to test to see if I have HPV. I've never had any problems in that area before. What would Jared think? Would he be grossed out? So I sat and cried and the doctor tried to calm me down. Told me different stories of women having abnormal paps but all sexually transmitted tests coming back negative. For some reason that happens sometimes. She told me her own personal story about her having HPV and that she had to get some of her cervix burned off to get rid of it.

I am thankful that she tried everything she could to calm me down, she even gave me a hug. But sometimes people just can't make me feel better. So the past 2 weeks I've been in a dream. She told me it was safe to have sex still but I haven't been in the mood. I've felt horrible about myself.

The other day I got the phone call of the results. My tests were all negative. Thank the Lord they were negative..

Even though I don't have any kind of disease, it still makes me feel disgusted with myself.. with my body.. I told Jared about it and the only thing he asked was if having an abnormal pap could be the reason I wasn't getting pregnant. But of course that has nothing to do with it.. I already asked the doctor. He seems to be ok with it and was joking about it to try to make me feel better. I do love him and I feel so blessed yet again to have him.

I layed in bed all night last night and wondered what he thought. Wondering if he would be disgusted while touching me. Even though we've had sex since then and he still seems to be completely aroused by me and makes me feel like I'm everything he's ever desired.. I still wonder if he's a little turned off knowing that information.

Again, I'm probably over reacting. Letting my emotions and my own worries overcome me. I'm so exhausted with thinking bad thoughts about myself. Trying to have a child hasn't been working. and I'm pretty sure it's me that has something wrong. He's never done drugs, smoked cigs or anything. He barely ever drinks. I've done plenty of drugs and things that I'm not proud of. I've probably damaged myself. It would be my luck to find the man of my dreams, everything I've ever wanted and not be able to bare his children..

It's times like these where I want to take a pill, or smoke a cig, or drink until I fall asleep. My thoughts are starting to get to be too much for me. I can't talk to anyone about what's going on inside. Jared is leaving in less than  2 months. I don't want him to worry about me. He needs to be focused on his mission. I can't tell any of my family. I can't stand the thought of them being ashamed of me again. They were that way for many years. I don't know what I'd do if it happened again..