These past few weeks have been the worst I've ever had to go through. On top of Jared leaving at the beginning of the month, I'm not sure how much I can endure.
On September 13,2011 my whole world had been turned upside down.
I started having slight cramping earlier in the day while I was in class. It was sudden and came from nowhere. As the day went on the cramping got worse. I drove home after my last class for the day knowing something just wasn't right with me. I couldn't breathe very well because the pain was so bad. As soon as I got home I told Janna about what was going on and told her I was going to go upstairs for a nap. I took 4 Ibuprofen and had the sudden urge to use the restroom. As soon as I sat down I passed two very large clots. Deep inside I knew what was happening.. I just didn't want to face it. I was in denial. I told Janna what happened and her and Sonia convinced me to go to the ER. When I got there they brought me back and took my vitals and I had to give a urine sample. The doctor came into my room and told me either I was having a breakthrough period or I was having a miscarriage. He had said if my urine sample is negative then I could go home with some pain meds and not worry. But if it was positive I'd have to stay and do some more testing. Pregnancy was the LAST thing on my mind. I didn't feel like I was. I didn't have symptoms like I've read about. I was so worried about Jared getting settled in the Combat Training camp he was in that I didn't think this could happen. We tried for so many months to get pregnant with no positive result. To me, I thought maybe I just had another cyst on my ovary. While these thoughts were rolling around my head the doctor came back in and told me the results were positive. I was pregnant..
I didn't know how to feel. I was excited and have been waiting for that result for so many months now. In the midst of my very short time span of happiness I remembered what had happened just a couple hours before. Then I got scared. I thought something was wrong with my baby and I was loosing it. I thought of every single thing I've done, not knowing I was pregnant. The 1 glass of wine I was having before bed since Jared left to help me sleep. When I had slipped down the stairs and hurt my ankle and hip the night before. My eating habits and not getting enough rest. I was so afraid, and Jared wasn't there to comfort me.
A nurse came in to take my blood to check my HCG level and to check my blood type. It literally took him almost 45 minutes to draw my blood. I'm sure he was new and didn't really know what he was doing. He used an IV to take my blood out. He put the tube in and hooked a giant syringe up to it and pulled very slowly and let go. This went on for 45 minutes. During the blood drawing, he told me if my vein wouldn't give him more, faster, that he would have to try to get some from another vein and that the blood he drew would be bad since it was outside my body for so long. Eventually he decided he probably had enough and then ran salene through my vein.
After another 20 minutes the doctor came back and I had to get a pap done. He just wanted to check my cervix. It took all of about 30 seconds and he told me my cervix is completely closed which is a really good sign. That maybe I was having a threatened miscarriage and that my baby was OK.
I waited another hour for him to come back and he had told me my HCG level was negative and that I had a miscarriage. For almost 3 hours I sat in the emergency room knowing I was pregnant.. all to have it ripped away from me. I left and went home and waited for Jared's call. It was the hardest thing I had to do.. to tell him that our baby had died. He was of course upset but reassured me that he was just glad that I was OK.
It's been a week and I had an ultrasound done this morning. My regular doctor wants to make sure that everything came out by itself. It's so hard knowing that everything Jared and I wanted we got. But for some reason it was taken away from us.
Everyone tells me that it isn't my fault. But not matter what anyone says I can't help the fact that I feel the way I do. I've thought about it every single day. Every time I see a woman with a big belly or my friends talk about their own pregnancies it hurts.
How do you grieve for such a loss? I didn't even talk to the baby, I couldn't really see anything that distinguished as a baby on the ultrasound. I saw something. A blob in my uterus.. Or maybe it was my imagination... Like I imagined a blog that I never felt kick or read poetry to. A blob that I would never see in life or death. A blob that must already have passed, unmarked, into its watery grave.
While I was bleeding, every time I went to the restroom was a let down. Every time I knew that I wouldn't be able to go through all of the ups and downs of being pregnant, up until that day of delivery. I wonder what it what look like, boy or girl. If it would have my color eyes or Jared's nose. I think about what it would feel like the first time that baby called me mama.
I know that I will have a baby one day. It's just hard knowing that I couldn't do anything to help this one. That maybe if I actually knew I was pregnant that I could have done something about it. That I could have just saved it. But I didn't.. I didn't save it. Instead I let it die... and now I have to live with that. ..
